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After the Honeymoon: ADHD and Marriage 

                                                                                                                                                                                             Abigail Wurf, M.ED, CLC

A startling thing happens after getting married to those affected by ADHD. They change!  

Let's say it is the man who has the ADHD, which is statistically more likely. He will be Prince Charming during the courtship period, every woman's dream. They will do exciting things together. He will be attentive. He is in hunter mode. The ADHD affected person is very stimulated during this part of the relationsip. People affected by ADHD like novelty so a new person in their life and a developing relationsip is exciting. The unknown makes it attractive. 

The ADHD man proposes, the couple marry and things begin to change. That charm offensive that swept the woman away begins to disappear and starts being replaced by someone easily distracted; someone getting wrapped up in new things and ideas; getting distracted for long periods of time on the computer for instance. 

This husband can forget things that he is told. He is often late for their commitments. He is impulsive. He may even have difficulty holding down a job.

These things were not apparent when they were courting. How can that be?

People affected by ADHD can be adrenalin junkies. Once they have climbed Mt. Everest the high is over. It is not that they were being inauthentic prior to marriage. The charmer is a part of them but not the whole of them. It is the stimulated part of them. Once settled into marriage it is hard to keep that high going every day in regards to your spouse. Other parts of you appear.

This can be incredibly shocking for the nonADHD spouse.  She thought she was marrying one man just to discover, in her mind, she got another. She is dismayed. Feels rejected. The level of attention she has been used to is gone.  What is it she has done wrong? How can she fix it?

Here real work of the marriage comes in. The couple will need to work hard together to keep their marriange stimulating. Additionally, they each will ave to adjust to this new reality.  For example she will have to learn it is not personal when they are talking.  It will take vigilance on both their parts, but improvement is possible.

ADHD and Marriage is hard, but it is also possible and rewarding.

Abigail Wurf, M.ED, CLC




Starting Again Post Divorce - 3 Steps to Starting Over Positively - Part 2
By
Shannon E Cook 

Divorce impacts many people in our society, and it is a large life transition that should be handled with sensitivity and understanding as to how traumatic it can be. You are changing your life in a large number of aspects - from your living arrangements to your time with your kids, to finances and intimacy. You are changing your ideal, your view of what you expected your life to look like. While this can be a difficult and overwhelming time, it is also an opportunity for great growth and development of you as an individual, and can push you to truly evaluate what you want out of life. Here are the last 3 of 6 steps for starting over from divorce positively:
1.      Don't be afraid to reach out for professional assistance. If your feelings are becoming overwhelming, and you are having trouble getting through day to day, don't be afraid to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist who can give you unbiased, professional feedback. If you are feeling like you lack clarity about the future and where you want to go, you may want to work with a coach to help you identify your priorities and create the steps to make your goals a reality.
2.      Release negative thoughts. If anger or negativity is holding you back, first allow yourself to feel the negative emotions full force. Imagine the image that angers or upsets you. Then, make a conscious decision to release this anger and free yourself from carrying around a burden that impacts you emotionally and physically. If you are angry at a person, allow for the possibility that he or she did the best they could with whatever tools they have to work with and survive with. Some people's survival mechanisms cause harm to others, but it may be the best they know how to do.  Know that you are exactly where you are meant to be, right now, at this very moment. Imagine releasing the person you hold anger towards, and any negative thoughts, into the universe. You are no longer responsible for them or the outcomes of those people or concepts - enjoy the liberation. Begin to envision all the benefits that could come out of your experience.
3.      Begin fantasizing and daydreaming about what you want. Do this in full sensory detail, imagining what it will feel, taste, smell, look, and sound like to achieve those goals. The more you do this, the more you will find motivation and energy to make these goals happen and the more they will naturally seem to be attracted into your life.